Gestation
Suicide of Self [December 2014]
suicide of self, wretched woman within
you know her so well cuz she’s under your skin
suicide of self, wretched woman within
you know her so well cuz she’s under your skin
under your skin
forget what you’ve been told and make your own way
spit it out already if you’ve got something to say
I’m losing patience, I’m losing my mind
and unless you come up quick you’re gonna get left behind
choking on my dust a gust of ill wind will sweep me
like a beast from the east and carry me away
on my way to the divine, stand and wait in line
you go get yours and I’ll take what’s mine
too afraid to be committed to who you are, not going far
from what you’re really used to, used to sit around and clown
inside your head playing analytical mind games that you can’t win
swearing to sick it on the person who dares to cross you,
or so you thought you bought your way into my heart but with the
backstabbing and cat scratching to get at me, now your neck snapping
under my firm grip on reality, which will now be your death
snuff the life out from within like glass over a candle
you can’t handle what you started so now my dearly departed
I say to you with honesty please promise me you’ll learn some day
and return I pray, as another being who sees seeing ain’t believing
while you’re fiending I’m here dreaming of another day, a better way
suicide of self, and a new one is born
the very darkest of nights precede a new morn
suicide of self, and a new one is born
the very darkest of nights precede a new morn
Think [August 2015]
think about it
what made you do it
wasn’t all your fault
yeah they made you do it
what do you have to say
what do you have to say
guiltiness on your conscience you must confess
guiltiness don’t deny it, no just say yes
it can’t be all that bad
it can’t be all that bad
think about what you did and in truth profess your thoughts to actions, life the weight from your chest
if you stress about reasons and carry regrets you’ll gnaw at yourself till there’s nothing left
and you’re empty, a shell that once held something dear
held a life and a being and a mind and a spirit
the void wants to be filled so you fill it with stuff
nothing good in particular, just meaningless fluff
nothing bad in particular, but just not enough
to regain strength, regain worth, regain sense of self
save the task for a rainy day, but the pieces on the shelf
but those pieces of you that you must reassemble are now tiny shards that barely resemble the previous whole who you knew to be you.
its a hell of a thing to create something new
so be careful to treat balance within
you gotta let go to let healing begin
A Warm April Sunday [April 2016]
walking through the crowd
nowhere in particular
sitting in the garden
anyone can hear
I said hey, theres some things I wanna run by you
if its cool -and I knew she wouldn’t have a clue what I was about to say, but hey thats the beauty of it. so I was prepared to take the hit
I talked about my life, the stages and phases and how the growth of my power and spirit amazes me, see I’m not all up on me myself and I, but an eye of the I that I try to let be heard. its the word that gives me strength to conjure up what’s within, watching sin vanish from my soul like the dirt off my skin. She said you know, I agree, and I feel what you said. You deserve to be who you are, and not just in your head. And I know that its much easier said than done. but half of the fun in life is seeing who you’ll become.
walking through the crowd
nowhere in particular
sitting in the garden
anyone can hear
I continue on, gesturing to better articulate my conscious flow, she listens, keeps eye contact, face all aglow. And I feel like a metaphorical hand in mine. This is fine, as a matter of fact, this is the divine. To openly be without restraint, but with pure intention thats in love, never hate. Why would anyone want something different? Do we know we’re not all that different? It humbles me to realize that my own small revelation can be met with appreciation and acknowledgement from another, embodiment of eachother though the flesh is asunder. I don’t wonder....what’s taken me so long, or if my gut is wrong cuz I know I just belong in this ever evolving universe that I can create. your reality is your own, don’t you make no mistake.
walking through the crowd
nowhere in particular
sitting in the garden
anyone can hear
Footnotes [May 2016]
I guess at an age where your mind is moving so fast, changing growing rearranging everything it had previously taken for true. Shifting inherited ideals and just sifting through all the new shit. The only shit I could control was the physical. My body. And yes I claimed her for mine, and in time I felt I was emancipated, a young woman of means. Means to twist the whole world around my little finger, rapid and renegade, I always made the choices I felt, the voices that dealt me my reality were the same demons hiding just beyond the first height, plotting a slow silent death of my spirit and psyche. I’d have nothing left. because the tiniest, darkest, most evil in me was holding up expectations, situations, that could never come to fruition
Until one day I suddenly stopped apologizing and broke the pedestal down. You didn’t fall thrashing or crashing or cursing, your humility prevailed and finally I saw eye to eye, there wasn’t much difference between you and I. well maybe there was, and that was the point. And comparing myself to something I’d never be was killing my light.
Light is what I feel when I approach life these days. a conscious decision to let it shine from within. Divine, free of hate, free of jealousy, of anything negative. All that white wash like a sedative to the burning soul. Confuse something for nothing, accuse God of not coming to save you when hey its you who’s gotta do it for yourself. A quiet whisper in the loudest, the proudest but you know where its owed. You were made this way. Can’t be bought, but can be sold. Careful the thoughts more than company you keep. So shall you sew and so shall you reap.
♦♦♦
*These selections are part of a larger body of work entitled 'Gestation', marking the growth and development before the complete self is born.
